Don’t Say It Yet

A boy showed up at our front door and asked my fifth-grade daughter to be his girlfriend.

Her response showed an emotional intelligence skill many of us could learn from: taking a pause.

In this Two-Minute Tip, I share why that pause matters, and how you can use it to respond more thoughtfully instead of reacting in the moment.

• Read the video transcript

  I just got done delivering a workshop on emotional intelligence, and one of the skills that we talked about is responding rather than reacting. Choosing to pause and respond with thoughtfulness, versus just reacting out of the initial emotional experience. And it reminded me of something that happened recently.

  So my youngest daughter had a valentine this year, which I don't know how I feel about that. She's only in fifth grade. And several weeks after Valentine's Day, this boy and his friend showed up to our front door. And I heard her chatting with him up there, and he asked her to be his girlfriend and she did the smartest thing. Talk about exercising emotional intelligence, self-regulation.

  She said, oh, um, thank you. I will get back to you tomorrow on that. She chose to give herself time, A, to think it through, but B, of course, talk to her parents and get some input before responding. Now, did she feel nervous in the moment? Did it maybe make her feel excited? Who knows what emotions were at play, but she gave herself that time.

  If we could all just give ourselves that pause before responding, we would be so much better off. And it's not even just a short pause. If you are in a tense situation and you can tell the conversation is not making a productive path forward, ask for a day, ask for a week. Hey, let's circle back on this tomorrow when things have cooled off.

  So follow the example of my daughter. Take that pause before reacting so that you can thoughtfully respond instead. And just to be clear, she does not have a boyfriend and won't for many, many years.